time to shake it off

Lately I find myself struggling with my age. Not the number so much as the season of life in which I fit or more particularly the seasons in which I don't fit. I guess I noticed this strange season that I appear to be in the other day as I was getting ready to go to the youth at church and debating whether or not I was too old to go. I wasn't number wise too old as they had recently increased the age limit from 25ish to 30ish but I felt too old. The increase in the age limit was a recognition that the definite line between young adult and adult was not the same as it used to be, people are living at home longer and marrying older, travelling more.. there was a recognition of the need to cater for those who had passed the mid-twenty deadline but who hadn't yet entered the next phase of life. People like me, I guess. Anyway as I was looking in my wardrobe disregarding things that were too young and feeling like a nanna I began to wonder about the choices I had made in my life to date and how those choices had aged or not aged me.

My career choice has definitely made me feel older than I am. I think it's partly to do with the level of responsibility I was given at such a young age plus the culture of legal profession. Career wise I have been a full-fee billing grown-up, running and attending client meetings, managing my own files and delegating with all the budget/billing pressure for years. My work life is so serious, so adult and sometimes I think I get caught up in that and take it home, I wear the heaviness and responsibility all the time. I am pretty sure I choose to live that way (wow that's a frightening and depressing thought!).

I'm not saying that I didn't get to be young (or that I don't have moments like that now) or that I didn't party and be stupid when I was young but I think early on in my career I had to put on this mask of being all serious grown-up and together for bosses and clients and then it became a habit and now I'm not sure how to take it off :s I don't want to keep wearing that heaviness and responsibility I want to take it off! I want to be my age, not older, not younger but my age. This confusing no season age not a young adult awkwardly working out how to be comfortable in my own skin but not settled with the husband/house/kids/minivan. I want to have fun and go to youth and be smart without being destructive. I want to jump around in the dark to music that was too loud and just enjoy being free but still have my quiet time with a cup of tea and a good book before bed. I want to enjoy the benefit of wisdom with the freedom of my youthful lifestyle so it's time to shake it off, to get rid of the heaviness and responsibility. Time to just be me and enjoy this season!

I pray that this spring we shake it off, that we shed the heaviness and responsibility of winter and allow ourselves the freedom to live x

Jesus is ________ .

Quick Post: this morning as I checked twitter I saw an awesome tweet from Pastor Judah Smith (Lead Pastor at The City Church in Seattle) about an initiative his church is running called "Jesus is ________." The initiatives website really got me thinking about who and what Jesus is to me. It also allowed me to see who and what Jesus is to other people and to agree or disagree with their comments, interesting stuff. You can check it out at http://jesus-is.org/

I pray today as we muddle through hump day we will take a moment to think about who Jesus is to us and to allow the love a stranger feels for Jesus to inspire us.

She called me a mighty woman of God

Last night, after debating with myself about whether or not I, at the ripe old age of 27, was too old to go youth/young adults gathering at church (which in itself is a whole other post) I found myself standing on the deck eating too much sugar while mingling with new friends having a lovely time. Out of the corner of my eye I saw one of the adorable girls that is in my evening college group. At some point we made our way with our respective friends to the same place; where there are hugs, greetings and the usual commotion that happens when a group of girls get together. Then in the middle of the introductions and hello's my adorable young friend proudly introduces me to another one of her friends as "A mighty woman of God".. in my head the music stops, the voices around me fade into silence and the ground under my feet spins as the words "mighty woman of God" echo in my head... those words are still echoing in my head today and I don't quite know what to do with them..

I feel honoured that she thinks of me that way and it is the most amazing complement that anyone has ever given me, I mean my girlfriends and I talk about becoming mighty women of God but to actually be called one is weird, awesome and lovely but weird. I guess am shocked because I see myself stumbling along this faith journey making mistakes but taking steps to try to learn and grow and walk with God, I see a girl learning to be a woman of God but I don't see a mighty woman of God. The idea of being called one sits awkwardly in my spirit.

Obviously this label doesn't change who I am and I know that we should not define ourselves by labels, particularly labels that others have placed on us but that doesn't change the fact that those four words are out there describing me and for some reason they don't feel comfortable attached to me. I'm curious by that and by my reaction.

I feel like I did when I was little and I would wear my mum's high heels and stumble down the hallway, they didn't quite fit but I so desperately wanted to wear them and walk confidently in them. Trying on the label "mighty woman of God" feels like I'm trying on something that is not me right now, something that I might one day grow into, something in the future, something far away. It feels like it belongs to someone else but now here it is and it is attached to me and.. what now?

I am confused. Does this mean that I am closer to becoming the kind of woman I want to be or dare I say it that in some respects I am her? Does this change the way I see myself when I look into the mirror? Does it change some of the not so nice labels I use for myself? Does it encourage me to live my life better? But most importantly why do I find it so difficult to accept that someone in my world thinks of me like this?  Why is it so hard for me to believe that perhaps I am living in a way that inspires someone else? I find inspiration from simple, everyday things and from most of the people in my life so why wouldn't I be able to inspire someone else.

I guess my prayer for this post is a selfish one, I pray that I find peace with this label, that I wear it for a few days and that I use it to encourage me to step up and into being this "mighty woman of God". For those of you struggling to see yourselves through the eyes of the people that love you, I pray that you will take a day to try on the nice things they say about you and to see if you can get comfortable in being the person that they love xx

I am wrong - learning to challenge the lies I tell myself

Generally I would call myself a confident person. Overall I like myself, I live a life that I am happy with and I make decisions based on the information I have on hand. Yep if you asked me last week I would say that I am confident but then something happened that made me realise I wasn't so confident after all..

So earlier this week I found myself in a not so pleasant situation which was very similar to a not so pleasant situation I was in last year (you know those moments when you do something not quite right and are supposed to learn a lesson but then you don't learn the lesson and 12 months later you find yourself in the same place re-learning the lesson you should have learnt the first time) and in despair I rang one of my girlfriends to freak out. I babbled on and on with the "Oh my gosh how did this happen/I'm doing it all again/I see it so clearly now" stuff that one says when they find themselves in such a situation when I muttered the words "I am wrong", along with something along the lines of "I was wrong then and I'm wrong now". My very wise friend stopped me mid babble and said "Wait what did you say?", to which I replied "I am wrong again" and then she said that life changing word "Why?".

What followed was a massive discussion during which I had the realisation that 12 or so months ago at the end of a messy situation I had announced to myself that I was wrong and had been wrong all along and that other people in my life had been right. What I didn't realise at the time was the impact that that announcement "I am wrong" would weave it's way into my spirit and dictate the way I lived my life for some time..

In this moment if I am honest with myself and look back over that the last 12 or so months, I can pinpoint a number of decisions that I have made from the starting point of "I am wrong". I can see myself people pleasing and asking opinions of others when I know what I should do. I can see myself second guessing what I know in my heart. I find it extraordinary that something I said to myself in the heat of the moment could change so dramatically the way I felt about myself and my life but from little decisions to big ones I can see how those three words have shaped my life. 

The irony of the entire situation is that I wasn't wrong at all, the decision I made at the time was exactly the decision I needed to make and that the choices I made leading up to that decision (which were based on trusting myself and not what others were saying), those choices were exactly the right choices for both me and my partner at the time. So this life changing self-talk of "I am wrong" which changed the course of my life was said in the heat of the moment about a situation where I wasn't wrong at all!

Ever since we had the discussion I have been very conscious about examining the things that I say both out loud and in my head and whenever that "I am wrong" thought underlines something I am making a conscious effort to question it. The frequency of how much I have had to challenge myself this week has shown me just how deeply that innocent comment has shaped my life and it hasn't stopped there.

I then had the pleasure of facilitating a small group for the evening college at my church last night (as I do every Wednesday night) and the topic we were discussing was the strongholds of our minds. The very first question challenged us to write down the negative thoughts we have about ourselves and then examine and challenge these thoughts. As we discussed and worked through some of the negative thoughts we had about ourselves as a group last night, I realised how many of us have said harmless little comments to ourselves which have then shaped our lives.

My prayer for us is that this week is that we listen to ourselves, we pay attention to the way we speak to ourselves and about ourselves keeping an eye out for the innocent little lies that we tell ourselves. When we discover those lies I pray that we look at where they came from, recognise them for what they are and replace them with truths about who we really are. Much love xo

Developing Faith - a whole new world

I love to travel! I love to visit new places, to explore new cultures. There is something so magical about being away from home, I don't know if it's the lack of responsibility or the fact that no-one knows anything about you or the freedom I feel when I am in another part of the world.. whatever it is, I love it! I can honestly say that there is not a country that I would not visit (provided of course that such travel was relatively safe) so I jumped at Cambodia. I had never been to the third world and it really was a whole new world and in it I discovered a whole new me.

Cambodia is an amazing country but it is also vastly different from Australia, I think Cambodia was the first time in my life where I had no choice but to trust God. I mean I had no choice. From the time we woke up and got on a bus that wouldn't be allowed on the road in Australia for our trek out to the rural village where people didn't speak English along roads made of dirt with pot holes the size of ponds spattered along it to the time that my head hit the pillow at night, every moment of every day required a whole new measure of faith. Daily decisions like trusting that I could be of use on a building site, trusting that I could learn how to lay a brick (FYI I can) or make a brick from mud or carry buckets of water in 35 degree heat. Trusting that the food I ate would nourish my body and not result in me being in bed for 3 days. Learning that dirt is not a defined term but actually has to do with your surroundings (Praise God for hand sanitiser). Trusting that it was safe to travel with this Tuk Tuk driver or to get onto this Moto or walk down this street. All those things that we do to function and live became an exercise in faith and in trusting God. But it wasn't just these daily physical things that required faith it was my mental and emotional well being.

Trusting that I could sit with a little orphan boy on my lap who is the same age as my nephew and is just an ordinary 3 year old who likes hand puppets and balls but who happens to have the HIV virus which resulted in him being abandoned by his whole community. To run around with water bombs and play with him and not burst into tears, to wish more than anything that you could bring him home and give him the kind of childhood that all little kids should have.. it required an emotional strength that I just don't have and I had to trust God for that strength.

I had trust him for the strength to watch and listen as a beautiful little girl who was about 6 and her sister are delivered to the orphanage because her parents separated and remarried new people and neither of them had space in their new families for this precious little girl and her baby sister. To watch her stand quietly in a corner not quite sure why she is there or how long she will be there for too nervous to play with the other kids but trying to be strong and protective of her baby sister. To sit there while your heart breaks into a million little pieces for all of these children because the only thing you can give is your love and time and that is limited by the fact that you are in the country for a limited time.

To have faith that God is raising up good men and women like Mr Leng and his wife all over the world to run safe, happy orphanages where these children can go and be loved. To know that all of these beautiful precious children are not forgotten, that everyday ordinary people are entering their lives and meeting their needs from buying a big bag of rice to raising funds to build another room for the kids to sleep in. To know that God is using you and that the few hours you spend with them makes a difference changes your life and then once it is changed you have no choice but to remain changed.

For me Cambodia changed my life, it changed the way I saw my God, the way I relied on him.. But the most important thing Cambodia gave me was faith that if I let him God will use me to change the world, maybe not the whole world but the world of one or two people and that realisation has changed me forever...

I pray that this week as we go about our lives, we take some time to ask God to show us how he wants to use us to change someones world and that we would then have the courage to be the change xx

Keeper of the Keys

Keeper of the Keys

Guy Gilchrist

You are the keeper of the keys.

You are the guard at the gate.

Waiting in line to get through that door

is LOVE, and also HATE.

In line to enter is GENTLE  PEACE.

and also VIOLENT WAR.

You must choose who may, and who

may not come through the door.

INTOLERENCE rises to sneak through

on wings of FEAR, or PRIDE.

It hides behind DREAMS of BELONGING,

and tries to sneak inside.

Oh! Be alert! You're the Guard who decides

who GOES and who may STAY.

You are the keeper for the keys to your mind,

who will you let in today?

I pray that we will take a moment to appreciate the value of our mind and to consider what we allow in because what we allow in will ultimately come out. I pray that this week we spring clean our minds throwing out all that doesn't belong and then once we are uncluttered and clean, I pray that we will be wise keepers of the keys xx

Sometimes a girl just wants to have fun..

My world is so serious at the moment :( life is just full of stuff that's messy and complicated or sad and confusing or all of the above and I find myself spending much of my time crying or feeling overwhelmed or sleeping.. It is just one of those seasons where my life is full on and demanding and I constantly feel pulled in one direction or the other. At first my reaction was to stop my world and invest my time and energy into all that was going on, into the people that needed me.. but I am not the answer to anything that's going on, they're not even my problems so trying to be the solution just left me feeling exhausted and cranky and unsocial and blah. Then this amazing thing happened, the world intervened and pulled me out of hiding and back to me..

Over the last week I realised something incredibly important, I realised that sometimes a girl just needs to have some fun. Sometimes I just need to do a dance class, to go to a birthday party, to do a workshop, to spend Sunday afternoon in bed. I realised that no matter what is going on in my world, no matter how sad or frightening, I still need to be me and I still need to get out. I realised that time with old friends laughing and dancing the night away can be more restoring for the soul than an early night at home. Sometimes all you actually need is some bad RnB, a cute dress and good friends, sometimes that is the solution. Sometimes it's about reconnecting with the people you love and who love you, not to talk about what's going on, not to cry on their shoulder but to dance, to laugh, to hug, to be silly, to smile.

I realised that in the midst of all the pain and frustration there can be joy and happiness in simple things like seeing your best friends face light up when you arrive at her birthday party because even though the room is full she has been waiting for the two of you to arrive. Like feeling your soul leap for joy when you realise that no matter what is going on these friendships remain the same, you remain the same and these friends don't need anything from you except for you to be there with them and being there is easy, being there is what you need. There is nothing quite like the realisation that these people who have known you forever truly know you even when you feel like you have lost yourself in the seriousness of your life and their love has the power to bring you out of yourself and back to life.

After a night of dancing with my best friends I feel like me again. After what felt like weeks of staring at a blank page I am writing, yesterday I wrote for 5 hours, stopping only to feed my dog and I could have written all night if wisdom hadn't intervened and sent me to bed. My hand is even itching to draw. I am engaging in my life. I am investing in me and for the first time in a long time I feel free. Yet the seriousness of my world has not actually changed, the mess is still there, the sad situations are better but still remain.. what is interesting is that they don't feel as heavy or as big, they don't consume me and I don't feel as sad. I guess what has changed is me. I am me again and I am so thankful for my beautiful best friends who took the time to dance and laugh and love me back to life.

It is so easy to get lost in your life, to get lost in the world when times are hard but if we let it life will bring us back. If we let them our friends will love us back to ourselves. If we allow it joy will sneak in and save us from the sadness. I pray that this week we will take a moment to find an old friend and spend time with that friend doing something simple, something fun xx