Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Paralysing pain

My heart hurts so much now that I can hardly breathe. My head is pounding, there is a deep numb pain behind my eyes - it starts just above my eyebrows and goes down to my puffy cheeks. I want to cry but I don't know if I can or worse, if I do cry, I'm not sure I'll be able to stop. My eyes feel heavy, I want to close them and go to sleep, go to sleep and wake up and have it all be some crazy dream. I just want it to not be real but it is real. This is all real and I just don't know if I can do this again..

Have you ever loved someone so much that you can feel their pain? Feel it as if it were your own? Have you ever felt like the agony that you heard in their voice was so strong that it felt like it came from your very own bones, like the anger that bubbled in them followed by the despair of their tears came from your very own soul, like every drop of pain they felt dwelt in you? Have you ever felt what someone else is feeling so deeply that you can't feel where they stop and you begin?

That's how I feel right now in this moment. All I can see, hear and feel is her pain, her deep, dark pain. Her voice is in my head like a song on repeat, she only said a few words but the sheer emotion of them has captured my mind, my heart & right now I am gripped by the sadness and fear. I can't see anything else, I can't see anything but her pain & it breaks my heart, over and over again, it just keeps breaking my heart. I breathe in a short shallow breath, fiddle with my nails, touch my fingers to my lips - of I were a biter, I would bite my nails but I'm not, so instead I slide my fingers away from my mouth to below my chin & rest my head on them - thinking. I am frowning I can feel it on my face. My skin is tight. I fiddle with my nails some more. I do this over & over again but it doesn't stop the pain. I am stuck here in this cycle again.

She is sick & I am helpless. I sit & watch as she makes choices that hurt her. I watch as she self-destructs again. Right now I hate this illness. I hate the way it takes hold of her mind. I hate the things it causes her to do. I hate the way it is destroying her life. As I write those words the hate disappears washed away by my tears as I mourn for her. I mourn for the days that she has been robbed of, the life that she doesn't get to live, the opportunities that have been lost, the woman she isn't getting to become. I cry for the lost joy, the lost love, the lost life. I cry because I miss her, because I love her, because I want nothing more than for her to be happy and right now in this darkness there is no happiness. No happiness, no joy & no peace. Just darkness.

Suddenly I am released from the situation, it's paralysing hold over me is broken. I can breathe again. It was like the overwhelming size of this was released with each tear, it was as if I needed to cry through what I didn't & still don't understand. The pain is now my own & it is more like a soft sadness that rest on me as I realise that I am not the solution. I cannot save her. I cannot fix her. There is a certain peace that comes with that realisation.

Sure I cannot save her, I cannot take this away from her, I cannot feel it for her but I am not helpless. I can love her, pray for her & be with her. I can have faith for her. I can take my eyes of the situation & look up, I can look up & remember the dark places God found me in, the pain that he healed, the miracles he performed. I can believe those things for her. I can believe in who I know my God to be & I can rest in the comfort of knowing that this is not bigger than my God. My God specialises in dark places, he's the God of miracles & he has overcome this. I can not save her but I can believe in what I know & that is I don't need to save her because Jesus already has.

I pray that when darkness sets in & pain paralyses you, you will remember to look up & see the light xo 

Sunday, May 8, 2011

The gift of my mum

Today is mother's day and at church this morning one of our amazing female pastors Rachel asked us to think of the gifts of the generations before us, to consider what we had been given by those who came before us and it got me thinking about all of the gifts that my mother has given me. My mum is an amazing woman and there are pages and pages of things I could write about what I have learnt from her but perhaps the biggest gift she has given me is her heart.

You see from the moment my mum gave birth to me she loved me with everything she had, with her whole heart, there is not a piece of love that my mum has that she wouldn't give to me and it is in the safety of that love that I live. I can do anything or nothing and I know that it doesn't matter because she loves me as much today as she did yesterday and she will love me that much tomorrow. She loves me like God does, there is nothing that she wouldn't do to see me happy because I am her daughter and she delights in me. For her my being born was enough and I don't know what it is about her or my childhood that means I know that but I do, I feel it all the time whether I am with her or not, I can feel her love for me. When I speak to her I hear it in her voice, when I am with her it radiates across the room and fills me with joy. She loves me and the older I get the more amazed I am by her and her love.

I look back over her life, our life and I see the trials and tragedy, the things that would make others give up in despair and I realise how for me it never felt like that. It didn't matter what was going on because we were a family and we had each other and loved each other and at the end of the day it would all be ok. So despite all the bad stuff, I look back and all I remember is the joy, the laughter and the love. My childhood, more than that, my life has been full of peace and love and joy because of the home my mum created, because of the woman she is and the love she gave and continues to give. My mum is amazing and the gift she gave me, access to her whole heart, is one of the greatest gifts anyone could be given. I love my mum.