Sunday, February 6, 2011

Reflections: letting go of the golden child

"Dear Father, I am sad so very, very sad. I feel sad & alone & uncertain if my future. I feel like my dreams have been shattered into a million little pieces. Like my future is no longer mine. The dreams I once had seem so very far away like they belong to another. I feel lost Lord. So, so lost. So far away from my own happiness, so far away from understanding my joy.. once more I feel broken, hurting & afraid. Perhaps I am this sad or perhaps I am just afraid. Afraid to let go of the dream, the wonder, the title. Am I afraid to take off these ill-fitting clothes, this armour of sorts? Well yes I guess I am. I don't Like being the golden child but it sure is easier than not knowing. It's easier to be who I'm expected to be, to push myself around, to fit. At least I know these rules. I understand this game. Love Min 6.47pm, 11 October 2009, Sydney"

These words seem so far away, they are so removed from my current space that I almost can't believe I wrote them but I did, that was me and my life. That was the cage I lived in. I was the golden child, one of the chosen few, stamped with the future senior associate stamp by the powers that be. I wore the crown of my career proudly on my head, I let it define me, I let them define me. I built & shaped my life around my work. I became trapped in my own success & that success had a high price. I sacrificed everything on the alter for my career. I laid down the things that made me me, friendships, writing, dancing, relationships, I even sacrificed myself. All for my career. I became a workaholic superwoman, I ate in the places you were supposed to eat, with the type of men you were supposed to marry, I went to "THE" places to be, I was living the dream and I was miserable. I was empty. I was lost.

It is hard to read those words, hard to accept that I had chosen to walk that path, hard too look at the person I was, to hear the voice of fear that trapped me. It breaks my heart but then I turn the page in my journal and read the cry that sprung forth from that sadness:

"Dear Lord, I pray for your guidance & love. I pray that you will open my eyes to your wisdom. Unlock the fear that blinds me. Open the doors & lead me down the path you have laid for me. Give me the courage to press on & the wisdom to make the right decisions, Amen."

Such a simple prayer. Short & simple but from the deepest part of my poor lost soul. I wanted so badly for my life to be different but I knew that I couldn't make that happen, I didn't have anything left to give & even if I did I didn't have anywhere to pour into anymore, my career was nothing, my life meaningless, my relationship was over, I was worthless. I was stood in a valley when I looked behind I saw a wall of failure & pain, when I looked ahead I saw a wall of hopelessness, a life without love, purpose or direction, I couldn't see me anymore, I was lost & sad & paralysed by my choices.

I am amazed that in the depths of sadness, trapped in my own darkness, I could pray. It was such a simple prayer but it was all I could pray. And man did I pray it, during those days I prayed that prayer & a million like it, I didn't know what else to do. My soul cried out for guidance, for love, for wisdom. I didn't even know if he would hear me & if he did I wasn't sure that he would listen. I wouldn't have. I knew what I had done, I knew who I had been & I felt a deep sense of hatred for myself. It felt like the misery & pain was exactly what I deserved. But he did hear, he did more than hear, he walked right into my darkness & met me there.

He walked into my fear & pain & anguish, he scooped me up into his arms & he carried me home to my family. He gave me guidance & love. He opened my eyes to wisdom. He removed the fear from my eyes & showed me how to see with eyes of faith. He opened the doors, took my hand & led me down the path to this life of purpose & meaning & love.

It has not been an easy journey & the journey is not over, everyday I am faced with something else, a mindset, a wrong belief, everyday I am uncovering pieces of me that if left alone could have the power to trap & destroy me so everyday I make a decision to hand it over & live in his grace. Everyday I make the decision to accept his love. It's not easy to accept his love, especially when I am used to working so hard for everything, when I am used to hating myself. Right now he is challenging me to love myself. I love him, I love my life, I love the people he has put into my world, I like myself now, I am nice to myself & sometimes (if I am honest rarely) I love myself but I don't love myself like he does. I don't value myself like he does. I don't look in the mirror & see a woman who is worth far more than rubies..

1 comment:

  1. My story is different in that I wasn't really a golden child in my abusive family. If anything I was more like a black sheep. But I relate to this feeling of lostness. I was abused throughout my childhood. But am coming to realise that though the abuse I suffered as a young child wasn't my fault, as a teenager some of it was. I've seen myself as a victim for so long I've had to remind myself that although my parents could be abusive I was a difficult child and I had borderline personality disorder so I think I believed I was entitled for my parents to validate me and show me more love than they did. But am realising that I was asking for more than I deserved and so much of the things I wanted their sympathy and attention for were things I needed to be tougher over. For eg I was molested by a stranger and my parents dismissed it and I felt outraged but I wasn't raped so the molestation didn't warrant sympathy and attention. My parents did pray with me after the attack that I would forgive the molester etc. So they did care. My father was verbally and physically abusive that is true and that did scar me but him not loving me or validating me enough? Nah. That is just me being oversensitive. I was a difficult teen with a thin skin and I needed to be roughed up a bit. It is so hard for me to let go of the belief that I was wronged. But as a teenager a lof of my abuse WAS my fault. I believe God is showing me that. Its hard. So I read your prayer and prayed it. Don't know what the result will be. Am scared.