Saturday, March 5, 2011

Choosing rest instead of chaos

Right now I am dancing in the chaos after months of change and movement and stepping up, I feel like I am constantly spinning and twirling and whirling around. I am laughing and joking and having lots of fun but at some point I need to stop, at some point my feet will start to hurt, at some point I will need a drink and some fresh air. At some point I will need to walk off the dance floor, out of the chaos and into the cool crisp air. That is where I feel like I am right now. I feel like I am walking off the dance floor, the chaos is still there and people are still dancing in it but for now I have had enough dancing and I am ready for a break.

I allow God to take my hand and lead me off the dance floor, through the door and into the garden. As I walk outside, I feel tired weary, a little like maybe it's time to go home but then the cool air hits my body and suddenly I am alive. The joy of dancing lingers in my body and a smile overtakes my face as I bask in the freedom of dancing the night away. When I was dancing, it was as if I was dancing to my song, a song written just for me, for my life and as I fumbled through the chaos trying to learn the steps I slowly, awkwardly began to roll with it, at some point I started to dance (kinda). It was magical, a dream come true and a part of me can't wait to get back out there but right now I want to be still.

Right now I want to sit on a bench wrapped in God's arms looking up at the stars he created, silent, peaceful enjoying the beauty of the dark blue night. A stalk contrast to the chaos there is no spinning here, no twirling, no dancing around. Here there is peace, purpose, rest. Here there is joy. As close my eyes I lean into him and allow his arms to wrap around me, I rest my head on his chest and I can hear the beating of his heart, as I listen to it the night gets lost, I get lost, I am consume by the tender thumping in his chest I listen to everything it is telling me. I am overwhelmed by his love.

In this moment I feel completely lost and undoubtedly found all at once. For this is the only place where I am truly free to be everything I was destined to be, in this moment I am doing everything I was called to do, in this moment I am his precious, loved daughter and I know without a doubt that I am completely loved, completely safe, completely protected and that nothing I can ever say or do will ever change that. I smile in the security of his love, a deep smile that consumes my entire being. I almost fall asleep but his soft voice gently wakes me. There is more dancing to do, more lives to touch, the night is not finished and they are playing my song again. Would I like to dance some more? He reaches out his hand and I take it.

I rise slowly to my feet and let him lead me onto the dance floor once more. As we approach the dance floor the chaos seems to have disappeared, I see people dancing now, I kinda know the steps, as we get closer he asks me if I will let him lead this time. If instead of trying to work out all of the steps for myself I will just look up into his eyes and trust him to lead us? Will I partner with him, following his lead? Will I look up, will I look at my feet or will I look at the chaos of couples dancing around us? Will I trust his feet? Will I give him control? Will I allow myself to relax into him on the dance floor like I did outside.. will I lose myself in him and allow him to make sense of the chaotic dance floor.. will I look up and dance with him

I pray that as I get up to dance again I will choose to rest in the arms of the one who created the dance, the one who wrote my song. I pray I will gaze up into his eyes and allow him to lead me around the dance floor listening only to the beating of his heart as he spins and twirls me along to my song x

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