Sitting in silence

I am sitting in silence and it is something I rarely do. I live in a house with 2 other people and 2 dogs and I could blame the constant noise in my life on them because the man of our house likes to play PS2 loudly and watch movies so loud that the walls shake and our dogs have a particular dislike for the postman, possums and just about anyone who wants to walk past our home and voice this dislike by barking loudly.. But if I am honest the reason that I rarely sit in silence is because it makes me a little uncomfortable. You never quite know what you will find in the silence, how he will speak to you, the things that will be revealed about yourself and the things that you truly desire.. There is uncertainty in silence and I find that a little scary. You see it was in the silence that I discovered the depths of my love, in the moments where I stopped running and dared to listen to my heart. It was in the silence that my world changed.

In the moments of silence after Cambodia I discovered that I was terribly unhappy with my life in Sydney, it was there in the silence that the tears and despair set in. It was in the silence that I stood still and allowed all that was not ok to come to the surface and it was there in the silence that I fully met God. It was in those moments that I discovered his presence in my life, in me. It was there that I allowed him to speak to my spirit, to rise up hopes, dreams and desires and it was the conversations in the silence that followed that I allowed him to lead me home..

It was in those same moments of silence where I dared to look at myself in the mirror hating the person I saw, hating the person I had become and to start having real honest conversations with God about why. In the silence that followed that terrifying honesty, I made a decision to change. I realised in those moments that the person I had become was based a series of choices that I had made and that if I had chosen to become a person I hated then I could just as easily choose to become a person I liked or dare I say it.. loved. It was in the silence that I started the journey to here, to this moment and I guess right now the silence scares me because what if I was right? What if after years of self-destructive, self-hating behaviour I have made self-loving choices? What if I sit in this silence and examine my life and like or even love what I see? What if I look in the mirror and see my triumphs instead of my failure? What if I were to see someone I could respect? Can I do that? Can I be that honest? After years of hatred, can I love myself?

I am scared of that. I am scared of what it will mean. If I look at my life and the journey God has taken me on and I like what I see, it will change everything. It will change the way I speak to myself, the way I spend my time, energy and financial resources. It will change the way I look after my body, my mind and my spirit. If I were to love myself it would change the way I saw my life and the things that I did. Surely it would have to..

Maybe if I allowed God to show me how to love myself I wouldn't try so hard to prove to myself that I am worthy of his love. Maybe I would take the focus off me and what I deserve and see God in all of his magnificence. Maybe I would see and understand his sacrifice. Maybe I would see that it is him who makes me worthy, that it is by his grace that I am here and that through him I can do all things. Maybe I would accept his grace and blessing. Maybe I would allow the full glow of God's love and favour to shine in my world. Maybe I would stop resisting my life's purpose. Maybe he would actually be able to do all that he wants to do through me. Maybe just maybe I could stop resisting God.

I like noise because the silence scares me because it is in the silence that I can be still and when I am still I can hear his voice and the things that my heart desires. Right now in this moment of silence I can't escape God's presence, I can't drown out his voice, I can't focus my energy on ignoring the cries of my spirit. In the silence I can't ignore the fact that at some point I need to stop hating myself if I want to fulfill my life's purpose. It is in this silence that I must make a choice..

In this moment of stillness on this very ordinary Sunday night when the raging storms of the last few days have stopped and a fresh calmness has filled the air, I believe that heaven appears to be ready and waiting talk to us.. I pray that we will take this opportunity to sit in silence and allow the stillness, calm and peace of God to wash over us until he speaks to our spirits and when he speaks I pray that we will have the courage to listen and dare to believe xo