time to shake it off

Lately I find myself struggling with my age. Not the number so much as the season of life in which I fit or more particularly the seasons in which I don't fit. I guess I noticed this strange season that I appear to be in the other day as I was getting ready to go to the youth at church and debating whether or not I was too old to go. I wasn't number wise too old as they had recently increased the age limit from 25ish to 30ish but I felt too old. The increase in the age limit was a recognition that the definite line between young adult and adult was not the same as it used to be, people are living at home longer and marrying older, travelling more.. there was a recognition of the need to cater for those who had passed the mid-twenty deadline but who hadn't yet entered the next phase of life. People like me, I guess. Anyway as I was looking in my wardrobe disregarding things that were too young and feeling like a nanna I began to wonder about the choices I had made in my life to date and how those choices had aged or not aged me.

My career choice has definitely made me feel older than I am. I think it's partly to do with the level of responsibility I was given at such a young age plus the culture of legal profession. Career wise I have been a full-fee billing grown-up, running and attending client meetings, managing my own files and delegating with all the budget/billing pressure for years. My work life is so serious, so adult and sometimes I think I get caught up in that and take it home, I wear the heaviness and responsibility all the time. I am pretty sure I choose to live that way (wow that's a frightening and depressing thought!).

I'm not saying that I didn't get to be young (or that I don't have moments like that now) or that I didn't party and be stupid when I was young but I think early on in my career I had to put on this mask of being all serious grown-up and together for bosses and clients and then it became a habit and now I'm not sure how to take it off :s I don't want to keep wearing that heaviness and responsibility I want to take it off! I want to be my age, not older, not younger but my age. This confusing no season age not a young adult awkwardly working out how to be comfortable in my own skin but not settled with the husband/house/kids/minivan. I want to have fun and go to youth and be smart without being destructive. I want to jump around in the dark to music that was too loud and just enjoy being free but still have my quiet time with a cup of tea and a good book before bed. I want to enjoy the benefit of wisdom with the freedom of my youthful lifestyle so it's time to shake it off, to get rid of the heaviness and responsibility. Time to just be me and enjoy this season!

I pray that this spring we shake it off, that we shed the heaviness and responsibility of winter and allow ourselves the freedom to live x