A different kind of beginning

3 months ago I shed my skin. I left my little desk, my regular income, my friends & the thing that had defined my life for over a decade. Then I felt tired. For the first month I spent half of my days sleeping in; sitting in a chair with my new puppy & half researching & working for my clients. Exhaustion magnetised me to stillness as my mind, body & soul recovered from years of beating. I didn't think. I didn't process. I sat. I stopped writing. I stopped cooking. I didn't do anything on the list of things I was excited to do when I left my job. I didn't do anything that wasn't on the list either.

I sat.

It was the strangest month of my life. I wasn't happy. I wasn't sad. I wasn't angry or grieving or upset. I was excited, inspired or energised. I was tired. I was peaceful. I wanted to rest. I didn't have to do anything so I didn't. I didn't have to be anywhere so I wasn't. I didn't want to read or absorb anything. It felt like I had never sat down before. Like I had never stopped & I desperately needed to.

I don't know that anything profound happened in that time. I don't think I uncovered anything deep or destructive about myself or my life. I didn't change the world but I did change my world. I discovered that when you take away everything you have to do, you can just rest. When your body knows that it can sleep as much as it needs to sleep it will & the sleep will be glorious. I discovered that sometimes it is ok to not do, that I don't need to be motivated & running all day everyday to be happy. I found that peace & rest is not doing nothing but sometimes doing nothing helps.

In my month of doing nothing I discovered that most of the things that used to rule my time aren't actually that important. I discovered that I do love to work but that it's not who I am, that I do love to write but it's not who I am. I discovered that I can sit in silence & not do or think or talk & still be ok.  But most importantly I discovered the joy of listening to my mind, body & soul & giving it what it needs.

I pray for eyes to see & ears to hear the needs of my mind, body & soul as I continue in this season.